"I don't have a heart!"

Do you ever have a day where you are just mean to your kid?  Just every thing that comes out of your mouth is horrible and you know it's horrible but you somehow cannot stop the flow.

We had a morning like that today.  I wish there was a do-over button in life so I could take it back and try again.

Nothing went right for us today.

There were 3 wardrobe changes in 5 minutes.

No matching shoes could be found.

That pair had doggie doo on the bottom.

We missed the bus.

Every button I have got pushed.

Despite my numerous directives of "put your shoes in your closet", "pick out your clothes the night before", "put everything you need in your book bag before you go to bed", nothing seems to seep in.

And of course, I'm not blameless, am I?  I'm one of the ones in charge, right?  I have a responsibility to go behind and make sure all of this is done and I didn't.  Not last night.  I fell asleep on the job, too.

Frustration with her.  Frustration with myself.  Frustration of always being frustrated.

And then there is "school store money".  As I was running around, spouting unkindness this morning, I saw her little wallet and I threw it into her book bag cause I knew she would want it.

When I finally wrangled us both into the car, she started whining about forgetting her wallet.

"I put it in your book bag."

Silence.

"You're welcome."

Silence.

Last button pushed.

"You know all it takes is a thank you to make someone's day.  Other people don't have to do anything for you.  They do things for you because they like and respect you.  Sometimes you don't have a grateful heart."

(Pot meet kettle.)

Then the crying began.

"Why are you crying?  I only said you need to remember to say thank you."

"You said I don't have a heart!"

Crushed.  She and me.  Crushed.

Sometimes as parents, life gets to us.  Heck, life gets to everyone no matter the procreation status.

Life is hard.  People are selfish.  People are mean to each other.  People say things that should go unsaid.

Unthought.

I can't change what I said to my baby girl this morning.  I can't take those tears back from her.

All I can do is ask for forgiveness.  Both His and hers.

And I am counting the minutes until I can swoop her into my arms and tell her exactly what kind of beautiful little heart she does have and how much I love it.